Just a thought.

I've played seven pounds with love for a while. I've looked for ways to ease with other girls. To make up for my loss. My lacking. Though not always fruitful, the ones that were ended swiftly. They say if you love someone, honestly, not simply as a word, you will let them go. Does that necessarily mean moving on? People say that old quote if you choose the person you like over the person you love, the person you love will leave you for the world, and the person you like will eventually leave you for the one they love. But i believe that God puts people in their lives. Have you ever felt compelled to love? Almost like a "knowing" of sorts, You try to give it up and move on because you've been a practiced person to move on, yet by some odd trivial point of fate, you can't bring yourself to? I myself am in a very strange situation, so it's not the exact same... but again just a thought.

So... I'm in second period.

I love coaches as teachers. they just don't care.

I am indeed chillin' like a villain in second period.

A lot more happy than yesterday. Jessica brought me cookout for dinner and hung with me without even asking. Ah, what people can do to cheer you up.

Time for my mid morning hug. TO THE HALLWAYS OF SWAG AND MARIJUANA CONTACT HIGHS!

TALLY HO!

Hideous Revelation

I have discovered something about myself.

in the past 17 hours i have experienced one of the strangest pains ever. Why a negativity of a girl who i'm less serious with, actually not even with, than any other i've actually been with pains me this bad... i can't explain. I am more hurt than i have ever been for some reason. Every time i even look at i can't actually think about anything but how amazing and beautiful it is... and then it hits me i can't yet have her. these pains led me to write one of my best songs.

And then i realized that i have a paradox in myself. I write my best music when i am down on my mind, sad, and alone. And when there is love, i write, but it is not as good. So i can choose between making amazing music whist depressed or being in Love and happy. It is such an odd paradox... but beautiful in it's own twisted way.

Yet, it is my thought. Perhaps i am beautiful in my own twisted way?

no matter. two visions.

i am floating in a large dark space with small pin points around me. my body floats limply in front of me. A precursor, a past firmament of sorts to the ascendancy i experience. it is so.

I am napping. The neck joint of my guitar lays on the bottom of my diaphragm, the tip of the headstock on the left side of my top lip. As I inhale and exhale, It lightly brushes my face. In my dream she lays on me and strokes my lips with her fingers with a touch so gentle yet so greatly sorrowful... it is indeed so.

The pains of this world have found me in great misfortune.

And fate has found me in a most dichotomous situation..

Tsuruta Cardiomyopathy

i am pathetic.

Thought And Vision 82410

I walk off somewhere in a field with a camera around my neck... capturing the beauty inside these trees.

I do not die, but rather i am passed from this status quo existence, as if i could... fade away, pass right before the eyes of those who were willing.

I pray that i would be remembered by this image and this image alone, whilst the memory of some faintly remembered person worth being loved existed in this clip.

Remembered for the quiet moments rather than the ones where i wore my heart on my sleeve.

And i would look back smiling in this pixelated and blurry sepia picture walking slowly and the whole world moving just as sluggish.

Though i would be somewhere else in time, in space, the vast expanse of the universe, at some point i was here, walking right beside you through this very point in the continuum of worldly events. I was not you, i was not the person you know.

Remember me for what you interpreted me to be.

No one will ever know who you truly are. Not even you.

Herz Immer.

Song: ...Is Still A Wolf - Sampsons Azaleas

7 Pounds

Feeling as if you may have wronged someone selfishly, do you take subtle yet conscious initiative to avenge yourself? If you have seen the movie "7 Pounds" with Will Smith, you will understand what i mean. As of recent i have found myself doing exactly what he did in an attempt to avenge himself with no one knowing. I have made decisions about my life, done things for certain people, told people the truth they needed to here, and though i could not and still can not willingly go balls out such as he did seeing as how my personal "crime" wasn't as severe, I still did what i could to some extent.

I renewed my love for Christ after going to a type of revival with my youth. It was a very moving sermon and related in a direct way to everything I've needed to hear in order to reverse my previous thinking. If i sound cryptic right now, i promise it is simply due to the fact i am in extremely thought. Anyways, once it hit me all that i needed to hear, how wrong i had been, how much i needed to change, i realized i had to console into Christ and none other. If you are one of the few people who read this, and you do not know Christ, i suggest that you find someone who does and worships, and learn how you can join us. He is your savior. Ignore him no longer. No one gets to the father, except through the son. It is written. Their is indeed proof.

My Seven Pounds wasn't necessarily the same avenging endeavor or actions. It wasn't 7 pounds, merely a few actions. The word that comes to mind when i think of what i have engaged in is "cathartic". What i wish i could do is be like Justin Vernon. Escape into the wilderness, a cabin of some sort in some place like Wisconsin or my personal favorite, Wyoming or Montana. My inspiration and writing is so much more... blissful, when i'm alone. This cathartic escape from civilization is a simple time to reflect on life and your wrongs. For me, since i am not able to do that, i simple came to terms through action and making up for what I've done. I wished to "cross out what i'd become." Because i knew though it was in the past, almost the long past, i knew i had to make up for it in someway, to learn the ways of personal reversal, or i would always be the same narcissistic selfish jackass i have always been. I am still working in some areas to find my center and be at comfort with myself and with God. But that is work... If you've ever heard the Latin proverb, translated into "the end crowns the work"... that is exactly how i feel.

As marching band continues, being the only sport i participate in, i lose weight. But unfortunately, i still eat too much... i made an achievement today while stopping eating some Hardees my mom got me by ceasing when i felt like i was full. Instead of 6 chicken tenders and a biscuit, it was a biscuit and 2. i felt accomplished. I have vowed again, to lose weight. To grow my hair out until it starts getting scruffy, and to grow out my full beard. My i'm needlessly destroying myself to heal my heart from the pain it's left on itself from what it has done to others... almost like a mirror of hurt. I'm willing to bet it affects everyone, even the most narcissistic people. The revelations i've made in the past few days... i'm not totally sure whether they haunt me or help me? All i know is that i'm praying that soon, i will find solace, and be changed... be different. True happiness is the byproduct of solace and comfort... lack of stress. There will always be stress in life, but to have less, it makes it easier to be wholeheartedly happy.

I recently discovered a new band through recommendation of a friend. The band, which goes by the name of "City & Colour", is the one man acoustic mind of Dallas Green of Alexisonfire. The passion and emotion he puts into his guitar playing and singing is absolutely phenomenal, orgasmic, jubilant, and blissful. If you have never listened to him, i suggest you do so, it will always leave you wanting more. The songs i recommend are "Hello, I'm In Delaware", "As Much As I Ever Could", "Love Don't Live Here No More", and any other songs on his newest album "Bring Me Your Love".

Roy G. Biv has changed it's name to Sampsons Azaleas. Given from a very close friend, She picked an azalea outside of our school, and it had a pin sized bug on the top that just ruled over the azalea, and she named it sampson. The name really flows off of the tongue and is much more peaceful, as well as less homo (Roy G. Biv, in case you don't know, is a mnemonic device from remembering the order of the color spectrum, Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Violet, which also makes it the color of the rainbow, which is of course the international symbol for Gay pride... we don't want any of that, as we do not enjoy naked men.) We have recorded 3 new songs, 2 more serious ones entitled "...Is still a wolf" and "Our Fathers And Their Flags", and one song that is simply a joke made up in about a minute and a half the other day, entitled "ED" which features a blink 182 like guitar riff and vocals... i hate that i ever sung like that... Otherwise, i'm trying a new vocals style, in which my low register is more Sam Beam or Iron and Wine -ish, and i'm using a falsetto on some more songs. I know that the EP is going to sound very spastic until we rerecord it, as it goes through different vocal styles and music sounds and such, but once we do it should end up a ton better.

I've written a brand new song that i consider my best ever. I think of it as the Sampsons Azaleas death anthem... It isn't about death, but it uses the falsetto like i explained to almost sound like a moaning of sorts, which goes over a very sad array of lyrics about a really close friend of mine and an ordeal that they are going through. The guitar melody is very very sad and almost majestically so, and the climax brings you to a much brighter point, and resolves back to the sad melody much softer and less rhythmic, and very melancholy... the finished product should be very dramatic and emotional, i'm really looking to score a tear jerker with this one. Right after , i have ideas that transition nicely into a more bright sounding, summery feel. I think that the finished product again should be very emotional... tear jerker to resounding joy. But again, i might just take this joy song and leave people in pain. x) That sounds terrible i know.

In conclusion, i hope you enjoyed the read. I'm going to go do.... something now. Herz Immer!

The Logic Of All My Dreams

Good morning America. Unless your from another country and decidedly stalk me.

I've come across a revelation. Preface as usual:

Last night i had one of the most awkward dreams in the world. The first half of which i dreamed revolved around a certain person and me. The bad part is i remembered what it was when i woke up from it and then fell back asleep and forgot it. Either way, this person i recently realized i had reached an ultimatum in my mind with. But this dream told me other wise than what i wanted.

So what is this dream telling me?

I think dreams may indeed be like a person when they are drunk. It gives out their true inner feelings. Their are times when people know that the outcome is exactly what they don't want, or that the right thing is either selfless or selfish, but it is the right choice never the less.

But this provides a pickle. I'm at point in my mind about a person where i know I've made the right choice in reality, which is selfless. So, here's the pickle: When is it appropriate to decidedly follow your dreams, and when is it so to ignore their directional guidance?

People have conflicting thoughts about the nature and logic and cause of dreams. I have yet to study more into it, but it is something i've always wanted to do. Only problem is i don't believe in all the psychic psychoblabble, so i'm not too prone to looking into anything but the scientific nature. anyways.

/2cents.

-Charniers.

P.S. if you are one of the mystical followers i know nothing of, i suggest you check out my indie band Roy G. Biv at http://www.myspace.com/RoyGBivBand

"I Don't Believe In Forever"

Greetings Friends... Do you exist?

As the current hip-hop great Drake once said, "It's funny how money can change everything," i say it's funny how any given moment, any given words, any given person can change everything about the direction in which you saw your life going. These banks and even U-turns can hit you so hard and so fast you lose all control and focus you had on life, and leave a wake of broken hearts, friendship, and sometimes even yourself. Right now i am in a predicament where i'd rather not be. Unfortunately if anyone decides to read this (even though i have such a lack of self confidence i doubt you will) they would know who i was talking about and what and my life should i say any specifics, so i am going to wait until the time is indeed right in my own honest possibly idiotic opinion to speak up about my personal battle with some one and something and Blantyre Blantyre boo.

A good friend and i had a discussion last night that i feel we were on different wavelengths about. She stated that she is tired of girls complaining that so and so is just using them until something better comes along, and that all humans are basically doing that. She says she wasn't meaning their doing that all the time, and i still may be a little lost, but we are apparently going to be involved in shenanigans tonight so maybe if i'm feeling in a particularly James Joyce mood i'll inquire. Either way, i think that was a rather pointless paragraph so i'll move on to a more complete thought.

I'm out of things to coherently say. I think i'm going to walk down to timber creek and take more photos.

Au revoir. "

I Don't Believe In Forever."

"Is this the part of the day where you give a sliver of yourself away?"

"Well, if you don't want it xD ..."

some odd hours after i had fallen asleep

"I Wish You Hadn't Left =("

I wish i hadn't either. Maybe sometimes it is the time to get past pride and just ask someone if they would rather you stay.

Remember; I love you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyQyH4RoDbw

Beautiful Video. Beautiful Message.

I haven't made an actual post in a while, so i figure i will make one.

I have eaten 4 or 5 packs of pop tarts in the past two days. I ate way too much food yesterday and was insanely bloated. Luckily, i slept well.

I love smore pop tarts.

I feel as if i am lost inside a time rift. I have a huge decision i have to make in my life... You have one thing that is really good and makes you... Happy. And then another thing comes along and your view shifts dramatically. Unfortunately you can only have one of the two.

One is awkward, funny.

Two is like you in too many ways and makes you understand how to better yourself.

One is leaving.

Two is not.

I cannot make up my mind... i am so strange sometimes. What makes me this way? WHAT? Sometimes i hate myself. Sometimes though... it's worth it.

Epitaphs are beautiful.

I want Halo: Reach

Roy G. Biv is doing work. We're really pumping out some songs that are pretty BA in terms of direction. I can feel myself opening up to ideas. I can't wait for winter... It will be an amazing time of inspiration.

In honor of Jessica making me feel like updating, i will center all this text.

Centered.

I had an interesting conversation with her from 4 this morning until maybe 730. At one point we both just fell asleep. I had a short dream and woke up. She brought to my attention we may have blown way too many minutes talking for 3 and a half hours. I hope neither of us have to deal with hazing of it. None the less, It was a really interesting conversation and made me quite glad to be able to reminisce without being alone. Old TV shows and funny children names, things of that sort.

It's funny how true people become when they are so tired.

But eventually we both felt the need to sleep without hanging up. I only slept for about 20 minutes before waking up again after promising her that i wouldn't be mad or upset if she fell asleep. So i just wished her good night and hit the red button.

I can't wait for winter... for Christmas nights.

For silent night.

Marching band is looking good. The drill is fun and the music funner.

I really enjoy Mr. Boyce's instruction.

Thanks for reading another part of my boring life.

Ciao.

"...Is Still A Wolf"

Always a doormat
Never a door
Always a battle
Never a war
Always a bridesmaid
Never a bride

Wipe your shoes
leave with your laces inlaced
Your what for the record...

there's something on my mind
that i just need... goodbye...

Always the middle
Never the ring
Always the servant
Never the queen
Always the branches
Never the tree

Wash your britches
Leave with your seams inseams
Isn't that a surprise

there's something on my heart
that i just... Oh, must you go?

there's something in the dirt
that's just not worth being found...
I suppose

Band camp is going EXTREMELY well.

My heart and my head have been in shambles the past few days. But a somewhat new friend came into my life when i needed her and helped turn that frown upside. Now i'm just confused.

looking forward to the rest of shark week.

woohoo this sun drop is banging.

Time to go watch more sharks do cool stuff.