all talked out

you have a habit of indecisiveness.

i've seen it.

"shades of gray cloud every covered street .
and the rain begins to fall
in exponential quantities
swallowing the city whole."

Two Interpretations - Bon Iver's "Wisconsin" and Rogue Waves "Eyes"

So, i wanted to do both of these songs but couldn't pick one soooo, SHADAISEY!

i'll start with bon iver's wisconsin. Again, both of these songs are both beautiful and haunting, so i suggest listening to them HIGHLY.


First of all, the song Wisconsin is special because it's probably the most beautiful and retro song on "for emma, forever ago" even though you can't actually get it on the album unless you buy it from iTunes, get the torrent, and they don't perform it live. The song repeatedly uses the lines love is loves _____" and each word represents something else. This line is especially meaningful to me because of a certain given situation i have experienced. basically, i didn't believe in love fully, but because of it i understood a little more about what love was and although at this age i don't completely believe in it, i have seen a glimpse of it, and know that the emotion itself although varying is in fact very real and very personal. so, without further ado.

You ride in the park and you're peaking
Piss pools in your seat
Shes standing inside but you surely repeat
Oh God dont leave me here
I will freeze till the end
Love is loves reprieve

now, JV like i said in my pier 39 interp. uses a FUCKTON of symbolism and simile/metaphor. This song is also special because it refrains a little from that and just uses honestly and strangely revealing truths. This to me though has a little bit contained within. I think basically JV is using a typical Wisconsin winter as a comparison for a relationship ending. the first line is that the relationship is going smooth and possibly peaking at some point of remorse or anger, piss "pools" being a verb rather than a noun. Maybe he's insecure, and she's standing inside and warm and he's happy that she is, but he's begging her not to leave him in the cold he is in because he knows he will freeze. The first love is loves ____ line explains why it shows what love really is. Reprieve is of course a relief from harm or discomfort, sometimes temporary, sometimes not. But to love someone is not to give them reprieve, but to give their love reprieve, even though it will only be temporary.

Winter is coming and you're stuck here
Oh and so is she
Now when the wind blows you cover your teeth
I told you to shed away and trade in your blues
Love is loves sad news

this goes on to say that he knows that it's over and that the he's going to feel the cold pain. the second lines makes me think it's something unexpected that someone didn't know. "oh and so is she" is suggesting "oh, she is too. she knows she's going to feel the pain." and so perhaps, she is still the "wind" blowing, and so he covers his teeth because he doesn't want to hurt her. And the fourth line is just saying "i told you not to be upset, don't be like me, shed and trade in your sadness, be happy." and then, this to himself is "sad news", but it is because he loves her.

That was Wisconsin that was yesterday
Now I have nothing that I can keep
Cause every place I go I take another place with me
Love is loves mystique

and these refrains kind of show his hidden feelings. JV lived in wisconsin, so he's basically saying, that was just temporarily my home, that was the past. He now has nothing that he can keep because when you care about someone enough, everything you know and do becomes a reminder of them to you in someone, and you can't keep it because you're trying to heal. And he knows in his heart every place he goes, every person that he goes to, he's going to carry her in his heart and he won't ever feel the same comfort from anyone, described as places, like his home, (wisconsin.) And then he goes on to say, love is loves mystique, because love itself is actually the magic in love. it is a mysterious compelling feeling. but it is the core, surrounded by other feelings of joy and happiness.

Youre up on the bar and your shaking
With every grimy word
Who will love
Whats love when you've hurt
You wonder as you see the snow kissed the curb
Love is loves return

this line might get a little confusing. i think this is saying you try to find happiness in bars and dancing, in grimy filthy untrue words. Moreso, it's basically saying now you're trying to find anyone who will alleviate it. The 3rd and fourth lines trick me up, because i'm not sure if "you've hurt" is saying that you yourself have felt hurt, or you have hurt someone else. I'm not really sure, but either way, these lines to me are saying who will ever truly love that? what is "love" when you have hurt yourself so much? And then winter finally arrives painfully as the first snow "kisses the curb", so the cold pain happens, but it's not a blizzard, it's just kissing. And he bitterly says the last line which sounds to me like "if you truly love someone, you won't just let them go, you will return it to them, share it."

That was Wisconsin that was yesterday
Now I have nothing that I can keep
Cause every place I go I take another place with me
Love is loves critique

again, the same as the first refrain, but this time it is a little more confused, a little more captive, but he always go back to say "it'll never be the same." love is loves critique because if you love something, you won't destroy their love, you will critique it, you will find it perfect in someone way or another you will fix it. i'm probably terribly wrong with all this but, just my take.

MOVING ON!

i heard the song eyes on the LG vortex commercial, and the meaning hit me pretty broadside when i first read the lyrics. i actually just heard the song and looked it up for the song alone, and looked up the lyrics for yucks and kinda got bitchslapped, hahaha. anyways. This song is actually pretty beautiful and joyous, melancholy honestly. check it outttttt. i'm going to do each line in this individually. i'm interpretting the song based on the entire thing, not a single line.

Missed the last train home
i missed my last chance to save "us", to come home.
Birds pass by to tell me that I'm not alone
pun possibly intended, either saying
a) (no pun) my friends come and go like birds to tell me i'm not alone, i'll survive
b) (pun) there is someone else to comfort you, i'm not alone in your mind.
Well, I'm pushing myself to finish this part
i have maybe contemplated self harm and find it hard, but i'm determined to get through this.
I can handle a lot
i can do this, like i said. i'll be okay, i'll survive...
But one thing I'm missing is in your eyes
but i'll never be complete, i left part of me in you. i won't really be alive.

In your eyes...

Have you seen this film?
this has happened before... have you felt it?
It reminds me of walking through the avenues
i remember how i walked endlessly through a maze in the city of my mind
Washing my hands of attachments, yeah
trying to get through this and live my life, just being myself without attachments, being happy
I can land on the ground
i will survive, i will be fine. like i said, i can get through this.
But one thing I'm missing is in your eyes
but i'll never be complete, i won't ever be "alive."
'Cause I find love
i won't be complete without what i left in your eyes.

In your eyes...

wow, my interpretations suck dick today. i think i'll just leave before i embarass myself any farther xD

I wrote you another love song after having a random though pop into my head upon going through my favotire tweets.

The lyrcis are on aag. Go find it.

First two songs are on myspace.com/sampsonsazaleas. Neither are finished. Just rough listenable cuts. Both need real finished drum parts, csdms is definitely not done / too long. Anyways.

Thoughts i'd let you know if you still read....

So sleepy.

-hunter.

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Justin Vernon - Pier 39 interpretation.

i feel like taking a shot dissecting the lyrics to Justin Vernons "Pier 39". i've been listening to the song a lot lately and i've always wondered to myself what the lyrics meant. if you haven't listened, i definitely recommend it, a really beautiful song.

the title of the song "pier 39" which is a famous pier in california definitely goes along with the song. all in all, Justin Vernon is a very symbolic and metaphorical lyricist, so you have to keep in mind the vision of the pier throughout the words.

You talk about affinity
You talk about you telling me
Your habitat

it begins with narrator a conversation with a person. affinity is an unexpected attraction between people or other things, so i imagine the person is perhaps talking about what relationships she's been in or maybe how she feels about love. I read the next line a little broken so it makes more sense; "you talk about you (break) telling me your habitat." i think the narrator has possibly just met this person, and she is telling him about herself, her "habitat", the place she lives, the main parts of her life.

The harbor lights they follow me
They're tearing at our company
Can't you see?

i am still a little puzzled by this stanza. i think it's classic example of JV's symbolism; harbor lights are used to guide ships at sea towards the harbor in dense fog or storms. Harbor lights usually spin around in a light house, but he says they (not just it, to suggest more than one) "follow" him, so i think he is saying there are some things on his mind constantly trying to guide him home, or somewhere he know he has to be. he feels like these thoughts are tearing at the company between him and this person. By using the word "tearing" he is suggesting he feels a connection to this person he doesn't want to just release.

I'm cold like a carving
Cold like a wind
Bold, gentle, stubborn
Your rolling waves

i think this stanza is just a continuation of the previous line "can't you see?" i see this stanza as him saying to this person that he feels like he will hurt them, or that from past experiences he is "cold" and he's trying to say "can't you see that i have these "harbor lights" tearing at our company?" I think he used cold (the emotion) and carving (as a verb) to say that he felt like he would scar them, to say he would be quick and chilly like a wind. it's possible he is trying to warn them away? perhaps he feels guilty for knowing he is caught in a situation that is bad for him and that he'll have to get out of because of the lights "tearing at him." "Bold, gentle, and stubborn" are just the ways that he describes the beauty in this person, and that their rolling waves make it seem so easy to talk to or be around, rolling waves are usually calming and peaceful. perhaps the things he is shown in this person are telling him that this person makes him happy?

I'm baffled by your symmetry
Underneath the budded tree
Waiting on your game

this one isn't so complicated. human attraction is based upon bodily symmetry of others, so easily enough said, the narrator finds this person beautiful like he's never seen before, he's baffled by it. i think the second two lines are simply saying he sees the buds of flowers on a tree, and that he's underneath them, waiting for them to blossom. perhaps he feels like it's a game he's waiting on to play.

To send you to some other joy
I'll pick you up and write you notes
Fancy meeting you here

i'm starting to get the feeling some of these lines play off of each other. i think this might be a continuation of the "waiting on your game" line. i'll just say so and go with it. he might be saying he's waiting on her "game" to send her to some other joy. perhaps another love? maybe he's saying he's seen this before? anyways, the second line, i feel, is him saying that he will pick her up or be there for her when she is hurting, and that he'll write her notes and be her friend. Then, by some random chance, he's hoping might meet her somewhere (maybe a state of mind rather than a place?) that brings them together again, "fancy meeting you here." fancy would usually suggest a happy coincidence.

Cause you're old like the street names
Feels old like our card games
Tired as home and morning pains
I tie you up with me

another simply put stanza: i think he's saying she's someone he knows quite well like street names that have been there for him for a long time, perhaps something that directs him (in JV's symbolism). I think the second line is just saying that they found joy in simple things like card games. Finally, they are both tired and bored like home can get, and tired of morning pains (which i interpret as waking up without anything to be happy about), so he ties this person up with him, or perhaps takes a step towards being with this person again. i think that this songs stanzas may stretch over a period of time, not just one occurence.

You will somehow make me learn
That what is it inside me that
burns

this stanza might connect to the next, but i interpret this as the narrator is telling himself that "you will help me understand what this feeling inside me is, (saying burning to say) it's a pain and i don't understand, i don't want it. i don't know how you will make me learn, but you will."

A carnival inside this mind
Just a divert roadside sign
Directing you along the way

a carnival inside his mind might be saying he feels like there is a party in his head, a happiness full of fun and joy is just an unexpected detour in the other person's life, but it will end up leading them back to their way.

Feels old like your pages
I'm feeling born like your babies
I've been boarded up like cages
But I'm busting out
But I'm busting out

i don't really understand this paragraph. i think it might be another stanza continuation. He's perhaps saying "directing you along the way feels old like your pages", like he's done this "directing" with himself before, and maybe the pages represent the person's history. Feeling born like babies might make him feel as if he's brand new, like saying "all your creations, all the thoughts that come from you are newborn and beautiful, and i've been boarded up in the cage of my own mind. I feel so brand new because of you, i'm busting out."

And don't you give up on me
Don't be like me cause you love me
Don't give up on me
Don't be like me cause you love me

i am not sure at all what the storyline of this song is now, but i know it's him speaking to a girl, that's about it xD maybe he's saying he's been a prisoner of himself all along? I'm not completely sure i understand this line, but i can give personal meaning i find in it. wow, what a terrible way to finish an analysis. i think this stanza is saying either one of two things; "don't give up on me, i'm still here. just be yourself, don't be like me just because you love me." i feel like it's saying more of: "i know how much you care about me and just want to do what you feel makes me happier in the end, but please don't give up on me like i gave up on myself, i still care a lot about you."

a little skewed.

i'm probably wrong.

whatever. at least i tried. =p

"this feeling. isn't it terrifying?"

"the absolute. there is nothing i've found that i've ever been more afraid of; no monster beneath my bed, no ghosts of dead relatives, no fervent nervousness in the back of my mind; nothing."

-an old friend and i.

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untitled.

Im sorry.

Ive been really really selfish these past few weeks. I didn't want you to see it, i didn't. Because i knew you hated it, to see me this way.

When i say it's too late for you to become my martyr, im not taking a dig at you by any means, i could never be mad at you, or want you to be upset or angry. I hate it when you are. But it's always been too late. Ill never let you sacrifice yourself to make feel better, crazy.

I just want to see you happy. I say that honestly and sincerely. Even if it kills me.

I remember i said i would let you destroy me if it meant being with you. Of course we never wanted you to, it just happened. But don't think you can't change it, "heavy heartedness" as you chose to call it. I usually believe people can't change and never will with a stingent heart. But recently my belief on that has been changed a little bit. Im not as much of a cynic anymore, but probably a little more narcissistic =p I chose to come into your life and be wrapped in it, bad parts and all because i cared about you, i still care about you. I knew it would be worth it, And it was.

You made me happier than i'd been by far.

To trek through all that madness contained within the storm, someone must have the affection strong enough to create such an internal inertia and perpetual motion that will let them simply brush through the blizzard, because they don't care about all that; they see through all the roughs and desire to see you for what you are. If they still have enough of that affection left, they come to find this wall that surrounds your being, and break it down. Even if they simply make a crack in it, they would be in absolute awe at even a glimpse of the beauty unparalleled that doesn't just surround you, but is contained within you, within each layer, every inch of your skin, soul and mind.

I know i was. I still am.

I don't know if you still have feelings for me. If you believe in them. i hope you do, but If you don't you don't, and maybe you'll change your mind someday. but i can't control that.

I could say more, but text isn't the way. Will told me you think you should talk to me? Probably.

Just be happy. Don't drag yourself down with me. I know how much you care, and it means a lot to me, but but i don't want you to see this, i don't want you to know, or feel the need to be altruistic. If anything, to see you be unhappy would only make me worse, and if you've been covering it thus far if you've been, thank you. i really wish that i could've done better myself.

Im sorry i brought you down with me on any degree. I know it was my fault, and i will always kick myself for it. Im sorry for the production i've made of the emptiness between us. I just want to fill it again, no matter to what degree.

As always,
Live life.
-hunter.

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for you who care

i am on the way to a parade in bailey with extremely high hopes of freezing my ass off in this thin uniform with gym shorts, boxers, a t-shirt, and high socks as my own refuge from the brutal conditions of pre-neo ice age december weather.
In good news, I felt like being rebelious so i wore my drumline shirt instead of my band shirt.
Rebel without a cause. Literally, i have no reason for wearing a different shirt besides not wanting to dig through my drawer to find the appropriate attire, despite the amount of time i had to do so (which was plentiful.)
My glasses broke this morning. In retrospect, the story which makes me look like an idiot is pretty funny, so I'll recount it.
So, my glasses broke. Not totaled like james deans spyder but pretty useless. Basically, one of the legs has been missing it's bolt so the only thing holding it to the frame was a single screw and tight placement. So i laid them upside down and the next time i look at the bathroom counter the leg is sitting awkwardly displaced from the frame and the screw sitting nearby. So, me being the natural attempt to fix it because without them you're blind and look strange guy i am, goes to fix them thinking i can put the leg piece back in the slot and simply drop the bolt in, not turn it upside down, they'll be fine right?
Of course not.
So, the screw, being equivalent in size to a gnat is very hard to precisely place when you have manly hands which means large fingers. Moreso, it's very hard to hold a leg to a frame when there is nothing attaching the two. I pick up a pair of tweezers to place the screw so that it's easier for me to the the leg and frame together.
In my absolute genius, i didn't take into account the fact that i was fixing my glasses on the edge of a bathroom sink by a trashcan full of tissue paper and an empty bottle of tinactin. And that holding a metal gnat sized object with tweezers is hard. -.-
As you have probably figured out, the bolt fell OUT of the tweezers, rolled OFF the counter, bounced OFF of the can of tinactin with a *ding* and landed SOMEWHERE in the narnia-like expanse of tissue paper covered with my dads earwax, a couple cigarette butts (thus tar stains) and God knows whatever else.
Now, I'm not a trash man.
You best believe that screw was dead to me the moment it didn't land outside that trash can. Over. gone. Done. Dead. Finis. Quietus. You get it.
Now, there's obviously a problem here, or else i wouldn't be upset about my glasses being broken and the bolt beng lost in the household equivalent of a homeless hungarian man's beard.
I can't see without my glasses.
I am like the male velma of scooby doo.
Now granted, there are people with worse vision than me. But I'm practically legally blind.
I can see things up close but unless i wanted to act like a bloodhound and run up to everything i was trying to look at anywhere and squint which would in turn cause me to look as if i were sniffing... well, I'd need to either be placed in a psyche ward or wear my glasses.
Furthermore, i had to find some way to remedy this unfortunate predicament i was in, so i began to brainstorm. I went to my mom and asked if she could call the eye care center and get the screw replaced for the time being. so i left them in her room and she told me to go find the bolt.
Ha. I imagine she was high and in an alternate dimension where delusional people who expect children to pick a straw of hay from a needlestack are treated as comedians.
-.-
To make it seem like i was looking for the screw, i went into my room to get my old nerd glasses with thinline flexiframes and tiny lenses. I have always kept this pair on my bedside table in case my main pair did in fact break.
The glasses were no where to be found.
Fuck.
My.
Life.
So, i knew in my heart, against all mental arguments i was having with myself that there was only one horrifically unconventional impromptu way out of this situation: GHETTOFICATION.

How?

It will be revealed after i, against my will, freeze my junk into my stomach.

Godspeed.

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Ghost in the Machine (lyric ideas)

So effortlessly

such beautiful wings

took flight from your spine

and you left the door ajar

your wind brushed my cheek

so i looked up to speak

but long, you'd been gone

a voice, lingering within

just let me go

release this hold you have over me

i'm just a ghost

in the machine.

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how is something i cannot see my greatest fear?

Dear someone certain,

i'm sorry how short this entry will end up being. i'm not really in the mood to write today, but i will anyways because i figure you still like reading this "from time to time." i feel really drowsy and fatigued. mehhhhhhhhhh.

so you sort of disappeared last night as you know because it was you. anyways, i feel like you deserve some sort of explanation.

i'm not sure if your a big dashboard confessional fan, but even if you were, you probably wouldn't realize what i was meaning even if i put so long twice... i felt like so long once was a bit more cryptic and relative though so... i think i'll just write the lyrics down. the first half isn't important but it's the whole chorus, so;

"how the girls can turn to ghosts before your eyes

and the very dreams that led to them

are keeping them from dying

and how the grace with which she walked into your life

will stay with you in your steps and pace with you a while

for so long; so long"

the meaning is pretty interesting to me but that's another story. Adam Duritz from Counting Crows is a guest vocalist though, so i enjoy the song. =p

if i catch you today, i catch you. i figure since you said no more emo_ness, and then left i figured those were your guiding words, so in order to avoid emo_ness, as a collaborative bargain, (even though i imagine i'll explain this when i creep on you after school) i figure that i should be around you at at least some point in the day which as it stands will probably be after school now... but anyways, i will have to be around you which will prevent any emo_ness or suicidal hintings (even though they were more of just loneliness and my own selfishness) from leaving me, because if they do, you will probably either slap me on the hand or threaten to feed me to an alligator. I know you probably suggested such a reptile would've been a pleasantry in ways to leave this place, of horruh an wrath an teeyuhs! but you know now i don't fancy them unless they're behind thick glass walls in aquariums. Speaking of which, we still must venture to the aquarium of ripley. otherwise, i don't think i'll ever go. xD

I know that you left last night and i said sweet dreams which ends it and what not, and i can understand, it's just your need for spaciousness but not letting me drift to far away if that's your grand scheme if i'm just making up parallel realities that will destroy me in my head. But I figure you're probably noticing that since ben has told me i need to tell you what we had a heart to heart about, i have to. That is, unless you don't want it. Honestly, i wasn't going to tell you. Actually, that's one of the things me and ben were actually talking about, me not telling you xD which is why it led to me needing to tell you so in a sense i'm.... yeah i just lost my train of mind so i'm going to go on to my next thought. =p ( i had said train of thought but saying thought twice twice in a sentence annoyed me. just like that. >.> damn my ocd.)

the schools security system is spazzing out today. a few minutes ago the internet went down and every single site including google of all places was blocked. i'm a little confused but i already had this window up so i'm safe.

i'm nervous about my report card... if i don't get all a's i can't keep my phone... which i desperately need in this given period in time.

I'm still pretty hyped about you hearing the song "phonetically phonetically" because it's definitely grown on me even more as one of my favorite songs. I still can't find hardly anything on the band though so i'm a little pissed butttt, i'll get over it. =p

the lyrics are actually really beautiful. I don't know them because i can't find them anywhere on the stupid internet but i might actually buy the album online just so i can read the lyrics... it might be that the album is brand new, i'm not sure, but i want to get the real lyrics before i start making up stuff. i know like three parts from this song, "phonetically, i need it sounded out phonetically" and then "if i were a figure of speech, then you would all be erased, i could've been a grave, or the gravy on thanksgiving day." and lastly "something something something you've got marbles in your mouth something something" xD so i'm pretty lame and can't pick out very many things but i try my best eh?

meh. i guess it'll be a while before we dance in the rain again if ever.

but ignore that statement. i'm being dumb. =p

I'm a little perplexed by how you possibly could've stayed up so late last night that you would end up grumbling and grunting at people when you usually go to bed in between 10 and 1. granted, only 5 hours of sleep can sometimes go from plenty to nothing but if it means anything i'm just speculating cryptically on something. xD

i can really think of what else to say... well i can't, but i can't say what i'm thinking even though i want to badly... i hope your excited about new sampsons. I know i am.

face to face some day maybe yes know over a snow cone? (sorry. randomly felt like attempting to rhyme and be lame.)

meh, i figure i'll go make a public post on how lame i am and how i hate alligators.

so long. ;D

-hunter.

ahhhhh, applications

Dear readers if you exist
(Although I'm pretty sure you don't so I'm kinda talking to myself and one other person d=),
It's cool to have a blogger app but to be honest the app blows hardcore. I can't adjust orientation or anything so i guess you'll just have to deal with my boring left alignment until i learn how to use html (which probably won't be ever.)
(Random tidbit of info: i've become extremely cryptic again. It's pretty lame.)
Anywho, before i leave you thinking i suck at life in every way shape or form; Here's my attempt at html before i bid you unrevealed creepers ado, just to add a little contrast in the text. If this doesn't work, bite me. It's just me ranting cryptically. (But with html)
the thing about life in these days is every one gets scared you know? No one wants tethers chains constraints guilt or pasts they have deal with in different places on their own. In a comparitive perspective i don't know if I'll ever be the same, not to myself, but to someone else, and i'm a little scared. We all are. Because it might affect how we, haha, we might never be the same. not as who we were, but from who you were, and not you as in you yourself, but you know. Hardly ever are two things the same, and you can't know what the result will be until you stick around and find out. You don't know if ever. No one knows if ever. html attempt dos! Random quote on my mind: "is this a saddle on my breath sweet woman, or is it just a cattle call in a school of fish, "still dance with me."" -buddy wakefield
On that note, if you don't know who buddy wakefield is, check out his videos. My favorite, For example, "hurling crowbirds at mockingbars" from which that i-suck-at-html-italicized-quote is from, is a riveting poem about hope not being a course of action. Which between you and me whomever you are served as a life lesson i needed. Which could be hopeless (no pun intended) but between me and you... well, between me and creepers i don't know stalk my blog, that's not between me and you. You probably notice how i talk about things that I'm not involved in like i know what I'm talking about, like buddy wakefield or other things like athletics and oatmeal and young thai girls and christmas decorations. (To be honest, I'm still trying to remember the relationship between the last 2.)
This is probably longer than it should've been. I just figured since i can't save this as a draft for letters to a certain someone (which you probably know but I figured that I'd explain the app only has a post button; anyways.) That i would just make a reasonably sized for people to read.
I wonder if I'll start writing publicly on a regular basis. (My private writing practices will probably remain the same.) Anyways, i wouldn't usually say all this, I'm just not used to writing to more than one person. Blah.
I'm just going to shut up now.
Psyche. Random thought on a dream.
person who i know creeps on me: I had a dream where i was trying to impress you or inconspicuously get your intention from across the parking lot after school by running in a really weird way where i moved my arms twice as slow as my legs and jumping/climbing around on stuff. You came over and had on this weird green dress and pink 5 dollar flipflops. You looked amazing, but had a you been an old redneck, like a watermelon with one end cut off that lived in the deep south and enjoyed going on dates at kentucky fried chicken who'd been chain smoking. I woke up a litt upset that you weren't there but grateful for your sake that you have a better fashion sense. xD got i stick my foot in my mouth too much. Well, technically since it's about you, you are the one sticking my foot in my mouth. =p
Possibly bad html attempt: But hey, at least i didn't picture you as buddha.
Enough of these rants!
-hunter.

Being Bored.

So, my wonderful girlfriend Jessica and I's first month together is today.

and this morning, she told me she was glad that i wasn't bored with her yet, which i agree, i'm glad i'm not too.

People talk all the time about not being happy with their relationships. I think the real words of this are, "i'm bored with him/her."

so while explaining in a secret vault i keep somewhere you few readers will never know of, i talked about how i couldn't have the heart to find Jess boring, and i tried to explain why, but then i realized it was just because of who she is.

I don't really think i could find myself getting bored with her. Somehow, i have the weird feeling that i value her personality and see it as this rather peaceful spontaneousity. That doesn't really make sense, but i think in simpler terms; Being in a relationship creates a temporary gravitation to the other person. But with Jessica, i am gravitated naturally, more like a best friend than just a girlfriend. I don't have to change anything about her to make me happy, what is already there makes me happy, flaws and features alike. Basically just the natural being she is. and i'm without a doubt Happier than i've been in a long, long time.

anyways, that wasn't off topic, it has to do with what my point is =p

i think that deep compatability and not "getting bored" go hand in hand. People say that deep compatability that exists after setting is what makes people "right for one another." now, get this like i'm saying "jessica and I are soul mates," there is no way to tell after a month, i'm not insane (or in middle school.)

Basically, if you can go for years without getting bored with someone, it's because that temporary gravity never existed, it was always the natural gravity of personality attractiveness. If you actually like someones personality, they are worth staying with. trying to make a relationship work with. not having to worry on a day to day basis about them leaving you or screwing things up, not having to say sorry for every little thing.

Now i don't believe there isn't more than one person in the world you couldn't spend the rest of your life with. i've seen first hand and example of this, i'm just saying the general compatibility is not so general after all, and it leads to not getting bored in a relationship, which is the key to being happy with someone, because it shows you value them deeper than their skin, you value them for who you are, and so when you think of a happy old couple taking pictures at a canyon, you should probably think of this.

anyways, i know this probably didn't make much sense (like it did in my head,) buuuuuut, i gave it a shot. hahaha.

live life abundantly kids, but make sure you use protection.

-hunter.

Morris Gift

let it be known:

Morris Gift

?-November 1, 2010

Morris Gift was perhaps one of the sweetest and most loving fishes to every roam the expanse of his bowl. as a baby, he was rescued from a tiny plastic container in PetCo by a beautiful stronghearted woman. For weeks as he grew, he played and jumped over his divider to the annoyance but love of his amazing mother Jessica. he enjoyed his time on earth as a beta fish, especially with his favorite companion black zebadiah. it seems their names truly were misplaced, as morris was really the gift of God, and zebadiah was the one of black skin. However short his time may have been, it was a great time shared by those who cared about him. He enjoyed swimming and jumping and flashing his gills, as well as digging through pebbles and exploring his bowl. he is survived by mother Jessica and brother Zebadiah. He will always be remembered as a cute, intelligent fish, as well as a passionately aggressive gill flasher, and despite all the strange times he may have had and the loss of his life, he was extraordinary, even the times where he was lost in the beauty of the corner of his bowl and his 3 second attention span.

Rest In Peace Morris; In beta fish heaven, you don't need any air besides the ocean air.

=)

Religious Vs. Spiritual

Greetings what few readers may come across this page!

It has been quite some time since i've made an actual post, i know, but there is a perfectly logical reasoning behind that which i will get to later. Anyways, i am feeling particulary compelled to talk about God today.

This morning, when i got out of the shower, i thought about a certain saying that floats around in christian apologetics, as well as something christians use against other christians. It occured to me in my personal observations that it is honestly ridiculous, and that since blogging usually is your personal beliefs, i felt i would say my peace about it. It is one of the most subtle but burning topics that lies in christian apologetics, and in between several denominations of Christianity and christians in general; being "religious", versus being "spiritual".

First, we have to define both terms. Being religious can be described as going to church, reading the bible, etc. It came up a lot when i attended a baptist church in my eighth and ninth grade years, and although it was unclear to me then, i now see how being religious was overlooked by them as "doing the bare minimum." doing the bare minimum and being religious are two TOTALLY different things. Now, where do i stand with being religious? If you are simply religious with no connection to what you are doing, then you are doing the right things for the wrong reason, which also means you are doing the right things wrong. We as christians should aim to please God, to approach him with love and awe, not simply to do what we are asked in the bible because we "have to".

Now, let's define the word "spiritual." When i think of the word "spiritual" or "spirituality" i think of that love and awe of God that i mentioned earlier. I think of having a deep personal relationship with the holy ghost and of God and how he works in the world. To feel his presence and a deep sense of calm and love that you simply can't explain. To be spiritual is to be in tune and in love with God, a higher power, and omniprescent, omniscient being, and to understand and feel a connection with it. But, there is a problem here as well. Here's my example: You can tell God you love him all you want, but do your outward actions show it? He loves you to no end, far much more than you love him. But you become complacent with that. You accept the fact that you will never amount to his love. You will never even amount to a drop in his overflowing cup of how much he loves you compared to how much you love him. Because you are simply spiritual, and say you love God with no work to back it up, then what are you good for? Your just a talking mouth that is silent to the ears of the world. You praise God on your own, but you never talk about him to others.

Without a doubt, by definiton, being spiritual and being religious are two TOTALLY different things. But, in the christian world, they coexist in the heart of the man who truly loves God.

Here's where my dilemma came in. I used to say that i was "spiritual, but i wasn't religious." I didn't even realize the death wish i was making. I realized this morning when i got out of the shower and thought about this heated topic, that although the baptist who i was acquainted with possibly misinterpreted being religious as "the bare minimum", in reality, being spiritual is the bare minimum. I was taught in the baptist church i attended that all you need is love, -gospel of John (lennon). Now, i do believe that to please God and show that you love him, you have to do mission work, and you have to witness, and you have to spread his love in order to enter his divine kingdom. Whenever people talked about this in baptist church, the baptists would claim "OH NO, ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, you don't need to work, work is optional, you're a jehovah's witness for claiming you have to actually WORK to get into heaven." Now, don't get me wrong before i go further, i don't want it to seem like all baptists are like that. That was just the status quo attitude at the church i attended.

Although there are definitely a few exceptions for babies and children who never have the oppurtunity to experience God and his awesome, awesome love. They don't have to work because they can't, they never had the chance to. But that's not the point: The point is that I think in order to find your name in the book of life, you have to be both religious, and spiritual.

I said earlier that the man who loves God in his heart with have religiousness and spirituality coexist with him. When i say that, i not only mean they have to be in the same place, but they also naturally will work together. The main point that comes across is, in order to find your salvation, you should not only want to love God and his son Jesus Christ, but also be compelled because of that to share his love, to have others stand with you in his love. And in the same, if you work for him, if you are religious, you should eventually find to come to love him, to truly understand His glory and how holy he is. You should WANT to love him, and if you love him, you should WANT to do his work. If you WANT to do his work, then you should WANT to love him. People don't do what they do for no reason.

We think we don't have to work, that it's optional. Well, for the record, everything is optional, choosing to obey and worship God is not "mandatory". But if you are one of those who chooses to worship God and follow the teaching of Jesus, but you think you don't have to work, think about the Great Commission: Matthew 28: 16-20; "16: then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go; 17: When they saw him, they worshipped him, but some doubted; 18: Then Jesus came to them and said "all authority in Heaven and Earth has been given to me; 19: Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit, 20: and teaching them to obey everything i have commanded you. And surely i am with you always, to the very end of age."

Now, you'll probably say "sure, i do that, i tell people about Jesus when it comes up in conversation." But that's just it, that isn't enough. You can't just wait for God to come up in a conversation, because in these days religion is a touchy subject, and with denominational feuds and intersecular debates, it is less than likely religion will come up in a conversation unless you take the proactive choice and bring it up when you see fit. When you do mission work and go on mission trips, you are doing the work FOR GOD. People see your work and ask you why do this? It is the perfect oppurtunity to spread God's love. The point of doing work for the lord is a further means that you can use to spread his love, to go about all the nations, and make disciples of their indigenous people! What is your love, without work? If you truly love, you should be compelled and willing to have others bask in that love with you, to stand beside in the light of salvation, in the glory of the father. Jesus was God in the flesh, the messiah, the messenger of salvation. The Great Commission is not simply from Christ, it is from the lips of God himself. You will must follow his will, which is to do this work God asks. If you are still confused on this "work", then you should check out this article of a biblical example about paul from First Corinthians:

http://www.biblebb.com/files/MAC/1886.htm

God's work is not always necesarilly "labor", but you should without a doubt be willing to labor for the lord God in your love for him. You can't just either just be spiritual, or just be "religious"; If you are truly one of them, the other should naturally come to you, and if it does not, it is not true. You must be both of them to find your salvation, to eat the fruit from the tree of life.

so, with that said, believe in him, love him with all your heart, all you mind, all your soul, all your strength, and spread his love as if it was the last thing you could ever do in your life.

-hunter.

It's Cold Outside

Dear Someone Certain,

Since blogspot has been blocked and you cannot view the blog, i'm sure you recieved my little letter with 2 needed fields. Blogger is the only website with that password though =P

I find that this morning i feel rather comforted or aloof in my thoughts. The donut holes are amayzahn btw, ah my gahhh, mmmmmmmmm, yummmmmm-eeeeeee xDD. I had time to finish that project in the bathroom of the 600 building without Mr. Marks feeling like i was lying (and i didn't have to turn 8:30 into 8:39 with a simple line oh that rhymed OH DOUBLE RHYME), but i think the residue of the marijuana may have induced a contact high, so i'm sure whether or not i was actually writing the facts or about how delicious oatmeal donut holes would be. Ugh. Gawd.

sorry i'm so hyper, i took my medicine this morning but i guess the temperature is messing with my head. In my thoughts, i am very calm and collected with my cool compassion ;P but as i have just reread everything i've typed for comparison, i find my proffessed thoughts very overactive. So i guess now i'm just controlling it. Keeping it low down. Hmmmmm.... In....... Out........ (breathing, not creepy slow rape)

Anyways, if i make it into Governor's school and you don't, you needn't slap me, as i would probably drop out anyways. Or if i had to go to the school on the other side of the state, you know. I assume you probably are thinking that my reason for going shouldn't just be you, and it isn't necesarilly. What i see it as is that if we do in fact end up going to governor's school, and going to the same school (hopefully western), even if i won't necesarilly see you ALL the time, i might get to see you every once in a while, maybe even every day. Other than that, i would actually be near you in the summer. so that PLUS the extra education i would get in flute would be a win win.

On one of the other hands (yes, it's a 3 armed... situation... that would be cool if the situation was paralyzed and became a pentapalegic xD) ANYWAYS on one of the other hands, if i make it and you don't and simply give it up, then i get to spend more time with you during the summer. But since you wouldn't have made it, you would be upset, so either way, it would be bad. Let's just hope that hand is cut off.

But on the other other hand, say you make it and I don't, i'll be upset because I wouldn't get to see you, but happy because you would be getting extra education and experience in your favorite activity, the one you're best at. And it's only six weeks, but six weeks is a long time to go without seeing your best friend =/ i would still come see the final performance no doubt. But still... 6 weeks =P

So it's a strange scenario... but we can only hope for the best, and prepare for the worst.

Random thought: Last night before i called (you know, where my mom picked up and went hezbollah on you) i came up with a new decoration idea for my room; Quotenotes =P (just came up with the title for chique) but yeah, quotes, lyrics, drawings, stuff like that on sticky notes on my wall. i'm probably getting overexcited but i just like the idea. Maybe just song lyrics i like, and then people who i meet or randomly see write down a favorite quote or draw a picture or write a song lyric and then i take it home and put it on my wall. Why i find the idea interesting is actually the most confusing part to me... but who knows =)

So now that i have finished all of the music for my soul to take and most of the lyrics, i just have to writing lyrics and recording, and the cd with all of the music will be yours. I'll probably record my colorblind cover (which not to be arrogant, but is really neat. But, i'm sure Bottom Heaveh and yous is bettuh.)

Random Thought #2: i randomly thought about the bet for God knows why, probably the whole hezbollah thing, and i realize that it is still on, but we have a week before it can technically come to either a continuation of a scenario in which one of us could win and the other lose bringing the winnings of a side to fruition. I would give a random thought #3 on how i would have good faith in winning, but i'd rather keep it a surprise. xD

If any of my contingent strands of nearly tangible information have made any sense or even an inch of sense, whatsoever, i'm glad.

The weather outside fascinates me. In response to your facebook post where i was creeping moments ago, i am ready for fall myself and it feels like it is hear. It feels wonderful outside, so wonderful. I've been imagining these days.

• The cool, calm, collected breath of coriolis face...
• the doldrums of the air above the fields that line the country side
• the morose and sonorous echoes that fill the enclosed openings in the spaces amongst the woods from the highway and the college
• the lack of birds singing in the morning,
• the calm rains whose voices drip and pat like a room of deaf children,
• the falling leaves that litter the ground like the aftermath of a great catastrophe, the death of the summer, the birth of the fall, and the piles of them that all the kids lay in for fun and stare up at the cirrus clouds high up in the atmosphere amongst the pressure differences, our breathe warm, tingly and heavy.
• the snow, signaling it's coming through the moons cold ring,

And strangely enough to accompany all this perfectly, my dream last night was another one of those sensuous dreams where i felt everything, and it was so awesome.

the hollow breath that fills the air as the fog condenses in our faces with each passing exhale, the warm bodies standing in amazement beside each other, one in a beanie and long winter clothes, one in just long winter clothes, both in blackish sweaters without hoods, openly smiling and looking in calmed awe at the hues of purple, gold, and orange in the dramatic stillness and silence of dusk, illuminating their blue eyes and their icy hands falling together in a warming closure, open and twining, the whole time, steven bryant's beautiful piece "dusk" is playing. Probably because i was listening to it on repeat all night xD

You probably can't totally envision that vision, but the cinematography is always the same, extremely amazing. It views us from the front at a 45 degree angle to their faces being slightly bright, and then it goes to their sides of their faces getting darker going back, just below the shoulder and above the top of the hair of the taller one, who is closer to the view, showing their breath becoming icy.. and then it views them from the back towards the sunset at a solid angle, going just below their bottom back and just above their heads, with their bodies turned into near shadows amongst the sunsets light direction. then finally their hands as they go together slightly brighter, and then lastly it views them from the back with the bottom at their middle back and the top just above their heads, with the sides at their shoulders, and they finally turn their heads to face each other, with their lip corners up in subtle smiles, their eyes calm and inviting, in touch with all that surrounds them.

Hmm... it seems like i'm thinking very deeply about aesthetics, with the visions of this and the music in the back ground. Come to think of it, i'll send you the link to the mp3 of dusk so you can hear it. Whether you enjoy orchestral music or not, it is a very beautiful and moving piece. Come to think of it, Steven Bryant (the composer) actually lives in raleigh.... =P learn something new every day.

But i'm very glad i write these letters. Just like right now, because i was able to write that out, i was able to come more in touch with it, and it calmed me some how. If I don't sound weird right now, i think i do xD

I feel like giving you the rundown of your entire package to expect

1st CD - Sleep Stranger - My Soul To Take

1. To No End
2. Blue Sweater
3. Creatures(s)
4. Of Wrists And Raining
5. Apogee (A Long Goodbye)
6. My Soul To Take

2nd CD - Sleep Stranger Bonus Stuff ( Covers and Unused Songs)

1. Western Side Story
2. Old Soul
3. Cold Sweat
4. Flotilla Acts I & II
5. Colorblind (Counting Crows Cover)
6. Book Of Love (The Magnetic Fields Cover)

3rd Cd - Sampsons Azaleas - EP

1. Our Fathers And Their Flags
2. Tiles
3. Altar Ego
4. ...Is Still A Wolf
5. ED

Apogee

You said goodbye to me, and it was slow and painful

I stayed at home, and grieved on my own

the phone rang as mother spoke softly, and father came in crying

I swallowed hard and nodded like i finally understood

it was meaningless, but i believe it was meaningful for the moment

the moon is as far away as it's ever going to get

My only friend when i think of you since you'd left

With your ashes in a quandary amongst your spouse and songs

And your captured visions remain as the scars

And when they threw them for the river in unfaithful wishes

the wind blew back her face and you drove your burnings

back on their garments your act as a callous laugh, but that's just you

i must admit, i found it funny

i still hear you hum in the place where you watched the red car

we used to have pull up

and celebrate the legos and peanut brittle, throwing down your jack

death is meaningless, it wasn't even meaningful in the moment

Your ghost is in a quandary, but your soul is calm at the moment

death is meaningless, the memory of you is just, for the moment

and i promise i won't ever speak or think of you again, for the moment

sorry, felt that writing that. As in I just wrote it, just now x). It's probably the only song not actually about you on MSTT come to think of it. It's about my grandfather if you didn't understand =P i had been wanting to put at least one song about him on the record. I can probably explain all of the lyrics in my message tomorrow. I probably will. =) I really think it honors all of his memory, good and bad. Really introspective for me. You probably have noticed i talk in cryptic shorthand when i'm thinking really deep about something and don't really find the capabilities of putting more descriptive words into use.

I just realized i've been writing this for over and hour. It probably will only take you 3 minutes to read it. I find it that things like a good lengthy orchestral piece takes weeks and months, sometimes years to compose, while the finished product might only last 5-15 minutes. It's really phenomenal to me, but in contrast the end does crown the work, so the more work, the larger the crown that is garnered, i suppose. I think i've wrote quite a bit, so i'll just spare you the painful reading of more of this and bid farewell.

as always, live life abundantly. "Sometimes, you have to just go for it."

-Hunter.

My Soul To Take EP

Sleep Stranger - My Soul To Take EP

Track Listings

1. Moon Don't Go Nowhere
2. Wrists
3. The Creature
4. If I Die, I Love You
5. Aphelion (Act I)
6. My Soul To Take (Act II)

Instrument Ideas

Vocals (+ overdubs, harmonies, choir sections)
Acoustic Guitar
Piano
Slide Guitar
Banjo
Harmonica
Small Drumset
World Percussion

Possible ideas - All songs tie into one large song, cut into 6 different segments.

more to come. writing in process

I'm happier. I'm getting there.

no interesting post today. sorry to the 1 or 2 people who read.

I'll say that last night the most oddly profound thing occured.

I was crying. and eventually i enjoyed the tears on my face. and because i was happy, i stopped crying. then i was sad because i stopped crying and couldn't feel the tears on my face. And i started crying again.

Story or my life xD

"Life is the human mind's conquest against itself."

Today, in first period, we had Mrs. Nelson, the english III teacher come into our class and do a workshop on essay planning. The faux prompt, which was to define "fear" was very typical in my opinion, but it was of course simply for demonstration. Anyways, we got to talking about fear as the emotions you get and the physical and mental response fear creates, such as in skydiving. And of course, being as introspective as i tend to be, i created a scenario in my head and thought to myself, "What about the parachute? What if it doesn't work?" I thought about going skydiving with a person who i won't name who is very close to me, and experiencing going on with a working parachute, and watching as this loved one plummets to ground with a malfunctioning chute to their death. It made me very morose in thought. But also, fear pushes us.

-

President Franklin D. Roosevelt said the all famous quote, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." No one really "fears" fear, rather they have this subconcious thought of, "the risks are too high, i don't think i'm going to do that." And when they say and decide things like this, they are potentially missing out on an experience that they could of readily enjoyed. At the same time, extreme sports like sky diving could result in death. Are we really willing to take the risks? Is the only thing we have to fear fear itself because we have a fear that is waiting at our backs?

-

Essentially, i'm wondering: Would you rather go skydiving now and potentially get injured or die due to a parachute malfunction? Or, would you plan on doing it later in life? If you waited till you were older because you feared the risk of death earlier in life and wanted to get older before you tried something life risking like skydiving, don't you realize the potential factors that could cause you never experiencing what you were planning on experiencing? Between the time you decide to go skydiving when your older, and that day, you could die. You could lose an appendage. You could become married to a control freak who doesn't actually love anything but your money and says absolutely not. Any of the above. So tell me, would you rather endure that and REGRET not taking the chance? Or would you rather take the potential risk in death or serious injury and expierence the exciting. Everyone will fear the unknown, the inability to see the future, to predict tragedy. Christian's like i will equally believe our time is our time. It's all up to choice. But i believe that if it was me, i would rather take the sky diving chance. Whatever your motivation for doing something, like skydiving, or asking a girl out, or tell someone how you really feel, or performing a musical solo, just taking a chance in your life, i promise that in the long run, you will NEVER regret doing it. It is the risks we take, and the times when we dare to dream and to act on those dreams that make us.

-

"Life is the human mind's conquest against itself."

-Me, just now.

-

With that being said, i believe that if you see an oppurtunity you could potentially benefit from, whether it be emotionally or physically in any shape or form, you should take it. Fear is an intense and strong emotion. But it is also one that can be beaten. Fear is a creature that can restrain us, and a force constantly pushing at our backs to move forward. Never will come sooner or later. Death is the debt that all men pay. You cannot wait to move forward with life and take the chances that will make you be able to say on your deathbed, "i did what i believed i could do, but fear believed i could not. It's pessimism nearly influenced me to the point of insanity, but i perservered, and found it to be a devious as that control freak i married who didn't actually love anything but my money."

-

Some of these thoughts may be a little farfetched, sure. But it all comes down to one thing.

-

every second counts.

Rats staR

2nd period again. I wonder how often i will update this blog when i am no longer in a computer class next semester. Besides german of course, but for that i have to pay attention. Damn computer classes. So as it goes the leaves begin to die, with the seasons couples form and deform, prostitutes realize their passions in life, blow one last dude and go to community college for a degree in cosmetics, find out that one last dude gave them herps of the mouth so now they can't be bulemic and have to become a fat sleezy shift day prostitute, who does cosmetics at night time, the usual. Anyways, more importantly, off the topic of my rant strings, i am moving on to my favorite 2 times of the year with everyone else; Fall and winter. Because of the fact i am a singer/songwriter who is in the best writing mood during the winter and fall because of the dying and death of local climate they represent to me, i will be writing and recording non stop this winter... or so is the plan. I will continue later. Blast you second period.

Continued thought 9/7/10 "love finds"

i was dismayed

i am not in love. I simply love this person. anyone can convince themselves. i was scared that i didn't love. I found myself dismayed. Even though by a quote, i second guessed myself. love is what remains, the embers of this inital fire.

i felt like i didn't love. i was simply in love. then i realized. the branches and roots are stretched underneath. I love.

I love this person. Every flaw and feature. The friendship. The laughs. The conversations. Even the silence. When the inital fire is gone. I still see love. It is so strange. i need this person right now, even to simply stand beside me. Across from me. I find it inconcievable to part with this thought of warmth. I love her. Simple as that. I realize that i will always second guess myself and doubt myself. and then i say this and i am calmed. reassured. positive. Solaced. it is strange. But it is wonderful. The inital rush and shaking of the mind subsides. And you simply find quintessential beauty in every single thing about this person. And you find it to be described by only one word. Love. It sounds cryptic i know. Archaic, whatever. Corny, sure. But in reality, i am happy. This love, how it finds you, is it not a fortunate accident?

do not second guess yourself based on a quote or a profound recognition or thought. If you sense that counterpoint of yourself in another, rather than a match of that idealization, that quote makes no difference.

Now all i fear is that i have said to much. Eh. The truth will set you free.

Do Not Fear Me, For I Am Fearless

Apparently my posts have been boring recently (you know who you are, xD), so i'll attempt to keep a certain reader (that is if they are still left) interested.

this one is rather sappy. fair warning.

I've recently been perplexed by thoughts an emotions. The other day, for the first time in several months, i was happy. Yet at first, i didn't like it. I have become so use to being morose that i found this emotion a flaw, yet there was no way i could rid myself of it. And then when i embraced it, i became even happier. Why was i so withdrawn to that new found happiness? Was it just because since i suddenly had a different overall perspective on something i've been dealing with because things began looking up? I may never know. all i know was, after feeling that happiness, there is nothing i want more in the world. and i know exactly what will make it so.

In first period this morning, i realized something very profound and obvious that i had never thought before, yet was right in front of my face. Most people would agree that you cannot seek love, and find love. I myself have had a problem with that forever, not that i still seek love when i've found love (the problem there: i FOUND love), but that i seek love in general when i am single. Why is beyond me. BUT, regardless. It occured to me that love will find you always, you cannot force love, you cannot search for love and find it, and you cannot idealize love. It simply hits you. Blindsidedly. You know a person for a period of time, without having anything but platonic feelings for them, and then BAM! You realize that you love them. And not like love, Love. The absolute. I cannot explain the exact feeling, but i can say that it is not the same over dramatized typical feeling described by most people in high school when they've been dating for a year. It is a feeling that is simply there, not one that is created. It is an irrevocable (not to copy twilight, but it simply is) feeling that you understand, yet you don't. It teases with your head, perplexes you, and yet you cherish every second of it. It makes your heart beat slow and fast, all at the same time. It makes you nervous, it makes you kind, it makes you patient, it makes you smile, it makes you warm. How, no, Why, why does this happen?

I have this long, drawn out thought that not only would make this true for me, but make it true for the other person i am describing. In their case, it is actually a pretty interesting scenario, i have to say. My metaphoric example about this truly found love and how it is something that you never expect to happen, is finding a thousand dollar bill. What are the odds of you actually finding it if you've been searching for it your whole life? Maybe sure. Very slim. You had searched so long and hard, heard the stories of people finding them, people making them up, everything from this to that, that you had nearly given up, convinced that the $1,000 bill didn't even exist. It seemed that all your hope was gone, but then when you've all but turned into a prostitute, you're walking down the street one day and BAM, there it is in all it's glory. You cherish it, as it is yours, and yours alone. You fear loosing it, as it is your prize possesion. You show it off to others, yet you don't use it for gain or pride. Some may even try to steal it. You keep it safe with you, everywhere you go. You take pictures with it. But you never spend it, because it is yours, and it was the one you found for so long. Others will come along, $100 bills, Fiftys, ones, you name it. Even if you find another 1000, it will never equate to them one you have grown so close with.

Sadly i must depart... perhaps i'll finish this post later.
Yet i assume you get my point.

For once, I can say there is someone i would wait for till the end of my days.
For once, I can say that love has found me.
For Once, i can say that i am in love wihtout lying to myself on any level.

and i think just by saying that, with my past endeavors of "love"

For the first time, i am actually "In Love" with someone on every imaginable level, for every single part of them, even finding their flaws absolute beauty.

i am such a sap.

Still in 2nd period.

Suddenly i feel extremely down. Thinking a lot. Felt like posting again. Too revealing on this blog? 10 minutes. I need my midmorning hug. I had a morning hug but i still need midmorning hug. 16 minutes until drumming time (w00t)

Endorphins, AWAY!!!

Fever

So while in the shower this morning, i thought of a typical, moderately humorous stand-up joke.

"Okay okay, story of my life; Who here tonight, has ever, or would ever, sleep with a man, OR a woman who weighed over 400 pounds?" *waits to see who raises hands and whoops and screams for chasing chubsters* "Okay, that wasn't part of the joke i just wanted to see who was honest with themselves... anyways!"

ha. funny. crowd laughs. whoops more.

Why i named this post "fever" is beyond me. I don't like fevers. i don't have one. I don't like being sick. I'm not.

I noticed recently that your throat can hurt from lack of sleep. Yet, for the past 4 nights i have slept amazingly, dreams that actually seem like the slow progression of time, rather than 5 minutes in a 4 hour span. On a sidenote, this has led me to believe that i may actually sleep better due to the morose thoughts and occurences i've experienced in those days. A question arises, Can sadness cause you to sleep better?

Moving on, my throat usually is sore for about 15 minutes after i awake. Not really sure what causes this, i remember my cousin used to take medicine for something of this nature, not sure if he still does, but it was prescribed.

Continued writing new lyrics and music. The album is developing nicely.
I am losing my sense of needing to conform to Justin Vernon's style in terms of song names, feel between songs, number of songs, etc. I feel that the large influence is slowly replacing the need to copy technique. I have 9 planned songs, lyrics for 5 or 6, music for 4 or 5, slowly but surely the music is indeed my best. I know that planning is coming well but too far in the future as far as where to record, how, etc. Just using Acoustics, harmonica, folk instruments, etc, very little drums. The vocal style is fully developed as far as my taste goes. Changing some lyrics for songs, i hate writing at school putting the note in my pocket and loosing track of it. I was lucky enough to remember them by mind the other day and write them down, then discover i didn't like them so i just rewrote the whole song which actually fit well. Came up with ideas for the songs in terms of progression. Not totally sure but have a better idea. Sorry for the short hand, i'm in second period and i'm just throwing thoughts out there. Building a Cabin, reflecting on the pain and hurt and experiences, ending with leaving for the spring and such, red room as far as developing goes, the progress towards inner peace after the catharsis and pained heart.

"takotsubo cardiomyapathy... Ever heard of it?" -Dr. Cox as played by John C. McGinley, Scrubs, (My House)

Found some delightful plans for a cabin for 29 dollars, a decent size for a studio, building should commence soon. Makes me happy that dad works at a sawmill so the lumber for building is free. Probably going to remove soem of the original sections of walls to make room for a larger main space for recording. Picked out the microphones and such, new amp soon, still need to find easy cheap but good sound padding. Need to get mixcraft and netbook or computer to put out. Moving piano and guitar equipment out into the cabin once it's built. Hopefully we can either finish it before winter has been gone too long or by summer and record there. It would definitely make the album more like a past tense biography like a reflection on my time writing and the very songs that they themselves reflect on tribulations and personal journey. Reflection on reflection. House of Mirrors. Pretty interesting. I think i'll call the cabin that. Indeed. Thank you blogging, you have allowed me to reflect on my own thoughts and inner metaphor/simile presented in life.

I am super hyped for marching band rehearsal tonight. Tomorrow is the first home game, and i can't wait to throw down (hopefully... let's not suck it xD )

sorry for the long blog and again mass amounts of short hand.

Adios!

Just a thought.

I've played seven pounds with love for a while. I've looked for ways to ease with other girls. To make up for my loss. My lacking. Though not always fruitful, the ones that were ended swiftly. They say if you love someone, honestly, not simply as a word, you will let them go. Does that necessarily mean moving on? People say that old quote if you choose the person you like over the person you love, the person you love will leave you for the world, and the person you like will eventually leave you for the one they love. But i believe that God puts people in their lives. Have you ever felt compelled to love? Almost like a "knowing" of sorts, You try to give it up and move on because you've been a practiced person to move on, yet by some odd trivial point of fate, you can't bring yourself to? I myself am in a very strange situation, so it's not the exact same... but again just a thought.

So... I'm in second period.

I love coaches as teachers. they just don't care.

I am indeed chillin' like a villain in second period.

A lot more happy than yesterday. Jessica brought me cookout for dinner and hung with me without even asking. Ah, what people can do to cheer you up.

Time for my mid morning hug. TO THE HALLWAYS OF SWAG AND MARIJUANA CONTACT HIGHS!

TALLY HO!

Hideous Revelation

I have discovered something about myself.

in the past 17 hours i have experienced one of the strangest pains ever. Why a negativity of a girl who i'm less serious with, actually not even with, than any other i've actually been with pains me this bad... i can't explain. I am more hurt than i have ever been for some reason. Every time i even look at i can't actually think about anything but how amazing and beautiful it is... and then it hits me i can't yet have her. these pains led me to write one of my best songs.

And then i realized that i have a paradox in myself. I write my best music when i am down on my mind, sad, and alone. And when there is love, i write, but it is not as good. So i can choose between making amazing music whist depressed or being in Love and happy. It is such an odd paradox... but beautiful in it's own twisted way.

Yet, it is my thought. Perhaps i am beautiful in my own twisted way?

no matter. two visions.

i am floating in a large dark space with small pin points around me. my body floats limply in front of me. A precursor, a past firmament of sorts to the ascendancy i experience. it is so.

I am napping. The neck joint of my guitar lays on the bottom of my diaphragm, the tip of the headstock on the left side of my top lip. As I inhale and exhale, It lightly brushes my face. In my dream she lays on me and strokes my lips with her fingers with a touch so gentle yet so greatly sorrowful... it is indeed so.

The pains of this world have found me in great misfortune.

And fate has found me in a most dichotomous situation..

Tsuruta Cardiomyopathy

i am pathetic.

Thought And Vision 82410

I walk off somewhere in a field with a camera around my neck... capturing the beauty inside these trees.

I do not die, but rather i am passed from this status quo existence, as if i could... fade away, pass right before the eyes of those who were willing.

I pray that i would be remembered by this image and this image alone, whilst the memory of some faintly remembered person worth being loved existed in this clip.

Remembered for the quiet moments rather than the ones where i wore my heart on my sleeve.

And i would look back smiling in this pixelated and blurry sepia picture walking slowly and the whole world moving just as sluggish.

Though i would be somewhere else in time, in space, the vast expanse of the universe, at some point i was here, walking right beside you through this very point in the continuum of worldly events. I was not you, i was not the person you know.

Remember me for what you interpreted me to be.

No one will ever know who you truly are. Not even you.

Herz Immer.

Song: ...Is Still A Wolf - Sampsons Azaleas

7 Pounds

Feeling as if you may have wronged someone selfishly, do you take subtle yet conscious initiative to avenge yourself? If you have seen the movie "7 Pounds" with Will Smith, you will understand what i mean. As of recent i have found myself doing exactly what he did in an attempt to avenge himself with no one knowing. I have made decisions about my life, done things for certain people, told people the truth they needed to here, and though i could not and still can not willingly go balls out such as he did seeing as how my personal "crime" wasn't as severe, I still did what i could to some extent.

I renewed my love for Christ after going to a type of revival with my youth. It was a very moving sermon and related in a direct way to everything I've needed to hear in order to reverse my previous thinking. If i sound cryptic right now, i promise it is simply due to the fact i am in extremely thought. Anyways, once it hit me all that i needed to hear, how wrong i had been, how much i needed to change, i realized i had to console into Christ and none other. If you are one of the few people who read this, and you do not know Christ, i suggest that you find someone who does and worships, and learn how you can join us. He is your savior. Ignore him no longer. No one gets to the father, except through the son. It is written. Their is indeed proof.

My Seven Pounds wasn't necessarily the same avenging endeavor or actions. It wasn't 7 pounds, merely a few actions. The word that comes to mind when i think of what i have engaged in is "cathartic". What i wish i could do is be like Justin Vernon. Escape into the wilderness, a cabin of some sort in some place like Wisconsin or my personal favorite, Wyoming or Montana. My inspiration and writing is so much more... blissful, when i'm alone. This cathartic escape from civilization is a simple time to reflect on life and your wrongs. For me, since i am not able to do that, i simple came to terms through action and making up for what I've done. I wished to "cross out what i'd become." Because i knew though it was in the past, almost the long past, i knew i had to make up for it in someway, to learn the ways of personal reversal, or i would always be the same narcissistic selfish jackass i have always been. I am still working in some areas to find my center and be at comfort with myself and with God. But that is work... If you've ever heard the Latin proverb, translated into "the end crowns the work"... that is exactly how i feel.

As marching band continues, being the only sport i participate in, i lose weight. But unfortunately, i still eat too much... i made an achievement today while stopping eating some Hardees my mom got me by ceasing when i felt like i was full. Instead of 6 chicken tenders and a biscuit, it was a biscuit and 2. i felt accomplished. I have vowed again, to lose weight. To grow my hair out until it starts getting scruffy, and to grow out my full beard. My i'm needlessly destroying myself to heal my heart from the pain it's left on itself from what it has done to others... almost like a mirror of hurt. I'm willing to bet it affects everyone, even the most narcissistic people. The revelations i've made in the past few days... i'm not totally sure whether they haunt me or help me? All i know is that i'm praying that soon, i will find solace, and be changed... be different. True happiness is the byproduct of solace and comfort... lack of stress. There will always be stress in life, but to have less, it makes it easier to be wholeheartedly happy.

I recently discovered a new band through recommendation of a friend. The band, which goes by the name of "City & Colour", is the one man acoustic mind of Dallas Green of Alexisonfire. The passion and emotion he puts into his guitar playing and singing is absolutely phenomenal, orgasmic, jubilant, and blissful. If you have never listened to him, i suggest you do so, it will always leave you wanting more. The songs i recommend are "Hello, I'm In Delaware", "As Much As I Ever Could", "Love Don't Live Here No More", and any other songs on his newest album "Bring Me Your Love".

Roy G. Biv has changed it's name to Sampsons Azaleas. Given from a very close friend, She picked an azalea outside of our school, and it had a pin sized bug on the top that just ruled over the azalea, and she named it sampson. The name really flows off of the tongue and is much more peaceful, as well as less homo (Roy G. Biv, in case you don't know, is a mnemonic device from remembering the order of the color spectrum, Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Violet, which also makes it the color of the rainbow, which is of course the international symbol for Gay pride... we don't want any of that, as we do not enjoy naked men.) We have recorded 3 new songs, 2 more serious ones entitled "...Is still a wolf" and "Our Fathers And Their Flags", and one song that is simply a joke made up in about a minute and a half the other day, entitled "ED" which features a blink 182 like guitar riff and vocals... i hate that i ever sung like that... Otherwise, i'm trying a new vocals style, in which my low register is more Sam Beam or Iron and Wine -ish, and i'm using a falsetto on some more songs. I know that the EP is going to sound very spastic until we rerecord it, as it goes through different vocal styles and music sounds and such, but once we do it should end up a ton better.

I've written a brand new song that i consider my best ever. I think of it as the Sampsons Azaleas death anthem... It isn't about death, but it uses the falsetto like i explained to almost sound like a moaning of sorts, which goes over a very sad array of lyrics about a really close friend of mine and an ordeal that they are going through. The guitar melody is very very sad and almost majestically so, and the climax brings you to a much brighter point, and resolves back to the sad melody much softer and less rhythmic, and very melancholy... the finished product should be very dramatic and emotional, i'm really looking to score a tear jerker with this one. Right after , i have ideas that transition nicely into a more bright sounding, summery feel. I think that the finished product again should be very emotional... tear jerker to resounding joy. But again, i might just take this joy song and leave people in pain. x) That sounds terrible i know.

In conclusion, i hope you enjoyed the read. I'm going to go do.... something now. Herz Immer!

The Logic Of All My Dreams

Good morning America. Unless your from another country and decidedly stalk me.

I've come across a revelation. Preface as usual:

Last night i had one of the most awkward dreams in the world. The first half of which i dreamed revolved around a certain person and me. The bad part is i remembered what it was when i woke up from it and then fell back asleep and forgot it. Either way, this person i recently realized i had reached an ultimatum in my mind with. But this dream told me other wise than what i wanted.

So what is this dream telling me?

I think dreams may indeed be like a person when they are drunk. It gives out their true inner feelings. Their are times when people know that the outcome is exactly what they don't want, or that the right thing is either selfless or selfish, but it is the right choice never the less.

But this provides a pickle. I'm at point in my mind about a person where i know I've made the right choice in reality, which is selfless. So, here's the pickle: When is it appropriate to decidedly follow your dreams, and when is it so to ignore their directional guidance?

People have conflicting thoughts about the nature and logic and cause of dreams. I have yet to study more into it, but it is something i've always wanted to do. Only problem is i don't believe in all the psychic psychoblabble, so i'm not too prone to looking into anything but the scientific nature. anyways.

/2cents.

-Charniers.

P.S. if you are one of the mystical followers i know nothing of, i suggest you check out my indie band Roy G. Biv at http://www.myspace.com/RoyGBivBand

"I Don't Believe In Forever"

Greetings Friends... Do you exist?

As the current hip-hop great Drake once said, "It's funny how money can change everything," i say it's funny how any given moment, any given words, any given person can change everything about the direction in which you saw your life going. These banks and even U-turns can hit you so hard and so fast you lose all control and focus you had on life, and leave a wake of broken hearts, friendship, and sometimes even yourself. Right now i am in a predicament where i'd rather not be. Unfortunately if anyone decides to read this (even though i have such a lack of self confidence i doubt you will) they would know who i was talking about and what and my life should i say any specifics, so i am going to wait until the time is indeed right in my own honest possibly idiotic opinion to speak up about my personal battle with some one and something and Blantyre Blantyre boo.

A good friend and i had a discussion last night that i feel we were on different wavelengths about. She stated that she is tired of girls complaining that so and so is just using them until something better comes along, and that all humans are basically doing that. She says she wasn't meaning their doing that all the time, and i still may be a little lost, but we are apparently going to be involved in shenanigans tonight so maybe if i'm feeling in a particularly James Joyce mood i'll inquire. Either way, i think that was a rather pointless paragraph so i'll move on to a more complete thought.

I'm out of things to coherently say. I think i'm going to walk down to timber creek and take more photos.

Au revoir. "

I Don't Believe In Forever."

"Is this the part of the day where you give a sliver of yourself away?"

"Well, if you don't want it xD ..."

some odd hours after i had fallen asleep

"I Wish You Hadn't Left =("

I wish i hadn't either. Maybe sometimes it is the time to get past pride and just ask someone if they would rather you stay.