Apparently my posts have been boring recently (you know who you are, xD), so i'll attempt to keep a certain reader (that is if they are still left) interested.
this one is rather sappy. fair warning.
I've recently been perplexed by thoughts an emotions. The other day, for the first time in several months, i was happy. Yet at first, i didn't like it. I have become so use to being morose that i found this emotion a flaw, yet there was no way i could rid myself of it. And then when i embraced it, i became even happier. Why was i so withdrawn to that new found happiness? Was it just because since i suddenly had a different overall perspective on something i've been dealing with because things began looking up? I may never know. all i know was, after feeling that happiness, there is nothing i want more in the world. and i know exactly what will make it so.
In first period this morning, i realized something very profound and obvious that i had never thought before, yet was right in front of my face. Most people would agree that you cannot seek love, and find love. I myself have had a problem with that forever, not that i still seek love when i've found love (the problem there: i FOUND love), but that i seek love in general when i am single. Why is beyond me. BUT, regardless. It occured to me that love will find you always, you cannot force love, you cannot search for love and find it, and you cannot idealize love. It simply hits you. Blindsidedly. You know a person for a period of time, without having anything but platonic feelings for them, and then BAM! You realize that you love them. And not like love, Love. The absolute. I cannot explain the exact feeling, but i can say that it is not the same over dramatized typical feeling described by most people in high school when they've been dating for a year. It is a feeling that is simply there, not one that is created. It is an irrevocable (not to copy twilight, but it simply is) feeling that you understand, yet you don't. It teases with your head, perplexes you, and yet you cherish every second of it. It makes your heart beat slow and fast, all at the same time. It makes you nervous, it makes you kind, it makes you patient, it makes you smile, it makes you warm. How, no, Why, why does this happen?
I have this long, drawn out thought that not only would make this true for me, but make it true for the other person i am describing. In their case, it is actually a pretty interesting scenario, i have to say. My metaphoric example about this truly found love and how it is something that you never expect to happen, is finding a thousand dollar bill. What are the odds of you actually finding it if you've been searching for it your whole life? Maybe sure. Very slim. You had searched so long and hard, heard the stories of people finding them, people making them up, everything from this to that, that you had nearly given up, convinced that the $1,000 bill didn't even exist. It seemed that all your hope was gone, but then when you've all but turned into a prostitute, you're walking down the street one day and BAM, there it is in all it's glory. You cherish it, as it is yours, and yours alone. You fear loosing it, as it is your prize possesion. You show it off to others, yet you don't use it for gain or pride. Some may even try to steal it. You keep it safe with you, everywhere you go. You take pictures with it. But you never spend it, because it is yours, and it was the one you found for so long. Others will come along, $100 bills, Fiftys, ones, you name it. Even if you find another 1000, it will never equate to them one you have grown so close with.
Sadly i must depart... perhaps i'll finish this post later.
Yet i assume you get my point.
For once, I can say there is someone i would wait for till the end of my days.
For once, I can say that love has found me.
For Once, i can say that i am in love wihtout lying to myself on any level.
and i think just by saying that, with my past endeavors of "love"
For the first time, i am actually "In Love" with someone on every imaginable level, for every single part of them, even finding their flaws absolute beauty.
i am such a sap.
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